About a year ago, I was sat in a (seemingly) comfy armchair in the office of a young, polite and very sympathetic psychiatrist. Sympathetic, because he had recently made me go through weeks of questionnaires, tests, prodding and so on, but also because he was about to serve me the "good" news.
'In longitudinal aspect, one observes a Borderline/Paranoid temperamental dysregulation, by biological definition. In a cross-sectional study, one finds a textbook BP II case'...
Speak human, for heavens' sake.
And so, after yet another episode of instability and complaints ranging from anxiousness, paranoia, depression, lethargy, angry outbursts, self-harm I heard, for the first time ever, that the studies show a rare, but explosive combo of Borderline Personality Disorder and/or Bipolar Disorder II.
Truth be told, I was relieved, temporarily.
Diagnostics gave me context for many moments in my life when I've been frustrated with my obvious inability to function like other people do, an explanation for the many communication failures and conflicts, which fueled long years of self-flagellation about my behaviour, reactions and emotions.
A short-lived moment of clarity later, I was faced with the realisation that even though i'm not to blame about my condition, its improvement and management are entirely and solely my responsibility. I thought about the most critical times in my life and how running had been an integral part of them, helping me find light in the tunnel and fixing my mindset.
By the time I was dignosed, I had already picked up running again after a traumatic event which occurred 8 months prior. Without professional advice, completely intuitively, I had already pinpointed running as the single most effective thing that helped me "vent my emotions".After the diagnosis, I transformed my running, making it an intentional, structured aspect of therapy, directed towards managing my mood disturbances. Bipolar II is characterized by periods of euphoria, alertness, impulsive and dangerous behaviour, followed by depressive episodes. I found that having a daily sports routine alleviates the high-low fluctuations, while also managing the extreme emotions accompanying them. Running allows me to free my pain, vent my anger, fight my fears and insecurities, use up pent up energy, cultivate strength and discipline, calm my loud mind and even unplug when I need to. Every run is a slap in the face of these strange circumstances that I didn't choose, but refuse to give into.
The endorphins secreted during a run are a fundamental part of brain chemistry and are responsible for those feel-good sensations. The best thing about endorphins is they don't actually care if you run fast or slow, if you PR'd, overtake everyone, if it's raining, cold or dark - they work even if you had the worst run of your life. Personally I have never come back from a run regretting I went out and I'm always left with the conviction that I did something good for me, and improved my day and my mental health.
Sports Photography by Maxim Shomov
Илюстратор от София
Възрастова група: 25-30
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