Up until the age of 14 I was completely unaware of my body; I was a slim but healthy child and early-teen, a somewhat fussy eater, and a competitive fencer. My body was simply a vessel for me to have fun and body image didn’t even occupy 1% of my thoughts. But then I went through a traumatic event and, overnight, my body became the one thing I absolutely hated and negative thoughts about my body image suddenly occupied 100% of my headspace. Shortly after, I developed anorexia which stuck with me for about 12 years. My eating disorder was mostly about a need for control and wanting everything to be perfect, but it was my body that became a channel for that control. No matter how much weight I lost, I was still convinced that I was ‘big’ – ‘big’ was always the word I’d choose to describe myself, rather than ‘fat’, as it felt like I was taking up too much space in the world, but that ‘big-ness’ was all-consuming for me and made me deeply unhappy.

In my late teens I discovered running and used this as another channel for burning calories and controlling my body; even when I was tiny I’d still see a ‘big’ body when I caught my reflection on a surface and because of this, I’d be training on minimal fuel and turning up to races having not eaten. Unsurprisingly, I wasn’t doing very well in my running at that point in my life and yet I still kept pushing because I was convinced that, one day, I’d finally be satisfied with how my body looked (spoiler: that day never came!).

Eventually, and with the encouragement of our ASICS FrontRunner community manager, I gave recovery another go as an adult (you can read more about my recovery journey here). What was interesting about my recovery this time was that, although food and restoring weight was obviously a big focus, an equally significant focus for me was to fix my body image, because this was ultimately what was holding me back.

Now, I must preface the next few points by saying that my body image is not always brilliant, but I hope some of my thoughts are helpful to other people suffering:

• Focus on what your body can achieve, not what it looks like: what I mean by this is that you need to stop thinking about your body completely. My body was on my mind 24/7; during class or lectures I’d be thinking about my body, during work meetings I’d be thinking about my body, whilst having coffee with friends I’d be thinking about my body, when in a race I’d be thinking about my body, whilst trying to fall asleep I’d be thinking about my body. There was not one moment in the day when I wasn’t thinking about how my body looked and how much I hated it. It’s pretty exhausting to be that consumed by hatred towards yourself every waking moment of the day, so I started to introduce little challenges where I stopped focusing on what my body looked like and instead focused on what it had the potential to achieve. The caveat here is that in order to get my body to achieve in the way I wanted it to, I also needed to fuel it properly…I allowed myself to believe those around me who said I could run faster and further if I gave my body the fuel it needed…and that belief eventually led to achieving PBs and top 10 finishes in some races, which has since progressed to a few podiums, all of which I find incredibly motivating and which I don’t want to lose. I still have the occasional day where I struggle with food; particularly when my resilience is a little low or when I’m stressed and busy, but I remind myself of just how amazing it feels when I’m feeling strong in a race and cross that finish line with a performance I can be proud of and it’s that thought which ultimately keeps me on the right track
• Stop engaging with comments about your body: over the years I’ve found that people love to preoccupy themselves with other people’s bodies. When I’ve been smaller I’ve received comments on how ‘skinny’ I was, and when I’ve been healthier it’s about how my legs are ‘filling out nicely’ or how I ‘look like a woman’…for me, these comments are not helpful. Particularly comments about my legs which are still a massive trigger point. It has taken many years and a lot of effort to get to this point, but when someone makes a comment about my body or my size, instead of engaging with the comment I now make a ‘mmm’ sound of general acknowledgment and then change the subject, I also remind myself that my body is the least interesting part of me – and in the same way that I don’t screen my friends based on how their body looks, they’re probably not focusing on my body at all either

• Find a non-sport related activity to focus on: I think this is an important point; I’m the kind of person who is extremely competitive in all walks of life, and so for me, having a sports-performance goal isn’t always the healthiest motivator. I’m more balanced and happier when my life isn’t just a split of work vs. running, and to this end I’ve introduced a few additional targets that I know make me a more well-rounded person. This may sound a little trivial but when I schedule a goal of reading 1 book per month, or seeing friends for tea and cake every fortnight, and even scheduling in time to binge-watch a TV series throughout a weekend, my life becomes richer – some people may call those activities lazy, but for me, these activities keep me healthy

• Identify a role model who isn’t based on aesthetics: when you’re deeply invested in your running, you tend to have athletes (or influencers, perhaps) who you look up to both from a performance-perspective, but also from an aesthetic-perspective too. Whenever I watch a big profile sporting event I become fixated on a handful of athletes and what their bodies look like…I then start to berate myself for not having abs like them or toned thighs and that just sends me into a spiral of misery. So I no longer tend to follow what’s happening in the world of high profile running all that closely (unless I know someone who’s competing) and have instead chosen a handful of women who have no relation to the world of sport to have as my role models – these women inspire me to work smarter and to strive towards reaching my goals, much in the same way as an athletic role model would, but I don’t end up comparing my body to theirs and that ultimately lessens the weight of the stress I carry regarding my body image

Whilst not every day is a great body image day for me, I am in a much better place with it these days than I ever have been, and my body has reverted to that childlike stage of being a vessel for fun once again which feels rather liberating.